Adam Burke - Maria Venandi
Anonymous asked:
You're so much more than an ember, you're a raging fire of destruction who is gonna sweep the man or woman of your dreams off their feet, perhaps literally, by sheer determination and power. You're quite attractive and have an inner fire that burns with the fury of a thousand suns. If it's meant to be, not even the Gods can stop you. Go forth and conquer all that you desire
This message is my bible.
Back when I was hers, I was looping like a phone cord, two steps forward one step back, spinning around, confused but moving towards something, changing, metamorphosing too slowly. I wanted to know who I really was, yet I was too gunshy to be the man I wanted to become.
I ran hundreds of miles in the summer sun. I wrote thousands of words in that old house. I wanted control, but I threw myself into escapism. It was a dream, and I didn’t give her enough of my waking hours. I always wanted her, always thought it would be us forever, that we’d never have an end until death. She won’t ever believe that. I was a fool. I read book after book, looking for myself in the pages. I wrote fiction and filled my thoughts with fictional people and I talked too much about it. She probably hated that. I was a fool. I was too insular, too absorbed into the wrong things. Everything that wasn’t her was the wrong thing. She was patient and she was loving, but people wear down. Emotions wilt.
People change, and after it’s too far gone and painfully clear you want them to stay the same, for them to go back to how they were, how you thought they were, and you want to stay the same too, but you’ve already changed without realizing it. Trauma, fear, desperation.
We think we know someone, and think they are a certain way with certain thoughts and feelings, and we think they won’t change, because that’s too frightening. We don’t want to believe that they could change, but they do, and we do too.
And then one day years have gone by, and you think about where you came from, the milestones in your life, in your relationships, your (ex)lover’s milestones. It takes your breath away when you realize how different everything has become, but also how many things are the same. Habits, memories, words and feelings you can’t use anymore. All this love you can’t use anymore. You can’t take old love you have for someone you lost and put it into a different person. Love is like a key, it only works for the lock it was made for.
I am so different, and I have changed in so many ways, and it’s heartbreaking and liberating and ironic and fortunate all at once.
This is everything for me right now, 9 years gone. I was too gunshy and strong to show the feminine energy I hold. I gave so much of myself… I have just a fleeting ember left - of where I can grow and burn again, a smokeless fire. Time has me reeling.
Jean-Baptiste Carpeaux’s (1827-1875) sculpture detail of “Ugolino and His Sons”, 1865-67 from The Metropolitan Museum of Art
